Ok, so i should start by saying spoiler alert. Usually I wait until after I ruin it for everyone to declare spoilers err... behind... because well, that's way funnier than warning people ahead of time. But this time I genuinely don't want to ruin it. So, if you've not seen the new Indiana Jones movie yet, and you'll be sad if you hear how it ends, I suggest going elsewhere.
So, with that said, lets get cookin'. Before I tear into it, I should mention, I really did mostly like the new Indy movie. It was fun, Harrison Ford was out of his Random Hearts, Devil's Own, Six Days Seven Nights funk and back to Han Solo form. The chase scenes were fun and full of Spielberg goodness. The scene with the ants had me crawling in my seat, lifting my feet off the ground, you know, just in case. There were a few pointless bits, like the gophers and the tarzan vines, but they were mostly forgivable. Then, came the last act in the movie.
Now, anyone paying attention probably saw the whole alien thing coming, and truth be told, the aliens themselves aren't even what bothered me. Its what they did, namely come back to life, and fly away... or something. I have no problem with the skull being an alien skull, I don't even have a problem with needing to return it to some ancient burial ground, temple, ruin, or whatever. But the aliens coming back to life and flying away? That's the ending you're going with? I think I've seen this before somewhere else. It makes me want to swear. Like, I cannot even put together a coherent sentence to describe it. The way this movie ended is so stupid, I think I had a stroke. What's on slate for Indy 5? Indy returns a dinosaur bone to a remote island and all the dinosaurs come back to life, then for no reason, except that the movie has to end, somehow go extinct again? I'm reminded of the end of Hudson Hawk. It goes something like this:
Hudson Hawk: You're supposed to be all crashed up at the bottom of the hill!
Tommy Five-Tone: Air bags, can you believe it?!
Anna Baragli: You're supposed to be blown up into fiery chunks of flesh!
Tommy Five-Tone: Sprinkler systems can you believe it?!
Hudson Hawk: Yeah, that's probably what happened!
Or, as it more appropriately applies to this movie:
Movie test subject #1: Wait, that doesn't make sense, why are there CG gophers?
Lucas: Special effects and gophers are awesome, can you believe it?!
Movie test subject #2: Ok, why is he swinging through the trees like tarzan... and now the moneys are his friends?
Lucas: Special effects and Tarzan and monkeys are awesome, can you believe it?!
Movie test subject #3: Ok, aliens come to life and fly away and now its over, dude, what the heck?
Spielberg: Yeah, thats probably what happened!
Come on Lucas, you already owe me 27.50$ for the Star Wars prequils (10 bucks each for episodes 1 and 2, and 7.50 for episode 3... it was only three quarters crap), do you really want to add another 12 (stupid inflation) to your tab for this? You were so close! All you had to do was just about anything except what you did. In fact, Lucas, if you're reading this, write this down: "Next time I have an idea for something to make my movie better, I will do the opposite". Tape it to your bathroom mirror and ponder on it as you brush your teeth with your gold plated, light saber molded, toothbrush. It will make your movies a whole lot better, which will ultimately make you and your adoring fans much, much happier.
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